What is Disenfranchised Grief and Have You Experienced It?

Disenfranchised Grief is society’s inability to acknowledge the emotional, mental and physical pain that people go through when they are grieving the loss of their pet. Disenfranchised grief happens with our family, it happens with our friends, and it especially happens at our place of employment. 

With family, DG looks like: “I don’t understand why that cat meant so much to her.”

With friends, DG translates to: “I’m so sorry your dog passed away, come out and join us for dinner, you just need to be out and about to feel better.”

With the place of employment, DG sounds like: “I’m sorry about your loss, take the rest of the day, and we will see you back at your desk tomorrow.”

There are many challenges that present during this type of grief; however, one of the more glaring ones that needs to be addressed is the why. 

Why do we think it is ok to discuss pet loss as if it’s not a deeply emotional occurrence that requires adequate time to heal from?

Why don’t we have 4 days of compassion leave provided from our place of employment when our pets pass away? Why isn’t there a pet loss bereavement specialist at your place of employment? Why do we expect people to be able to function as they usually would after their pet has passed? Why don’t we have memorial services when our pets pass?

The answer(s) is 2-fold. 

The 1st is because there is a fundamental challenge in acknowledging the depth of connection that humans and their pets have with one another. The 2nd is because the minute we do begin to understand our emotional landscape around the passing of our pet and the loss that we truly feel, disenfranchised grief walks us right into guilt for feeling so much emotion for the loss of a pet …. As in to say: “It’s only a pet, why are you so upset?”

This paradigm is completely outdated, it is deeply dismissive and is extremely harmful for those who have experienced it. 

When we do not process our grief and when we are taught to suppress it, we end up losing a piece of ourselves that never has a chance to be validated, heard, understood, supported and elevated. 

I can’t think of anything more dangerous …. Can you??

Our pets are family. Gone are the days when they stay outside in “their” homes. 

Now they come with us to work, they go to daycare, they have the best fur friends, and as humans, our animals are the greatest of all allies that we have, and their loss is, at best, tumultuous. 

Simply put, when we can no longer “people” our pet is where we are going. 

Given that pet loss is so personal, is driven by the very core of the heart and leaves such a gaping hole to be filled, it is time that society steps up by stepping out of disenfranchised grief and begins to put the necessary tools of healing in place for people when they are navigating the loss of their pet. 

Here’s what we can do, and here is how to cope with Disenfranchised Grief:

It is paramount and essential to acknowledge your feelings of sadness and loss after the passing of your pet.

You can do this by recognizing that your feelings of guilt, sadness, loss, bewilderment and or anger are normal. The loss of a pet can trigger a wide range of emotions. If you are feeling any of the above, it is a cue for your internal system that what you are feeling needs to be heard, processed and understood.

Try: Journaling, speaking to a trusted friend or calling a pet loss bereavement service. 

Be in the Moment (of your emotions)

If you’re feeling a certain emotion, try to stay with it. We need to have clarity in understanding how we feel and why we feel the way we do. Doing this will allow and create space for clarity and present levity for the deep sadness that is being felt for the loss of your pet. 

Seek Support

Feeling deep loss and sadness after your pet has passed is normal. Try to create space from those who do not understand your current emotional landscape and need for process. Alternatively, seek support from those who provide comfort, those who support your feelings of sadness and loss or from a professional in the industry who can work with you to provide practical tools of wellness to assist your journey to elevate your grief and come to a peaceful, loving memory of your pet. 

Request Time Off Work 

Should you feel your professional performance will be hindered due to your place of employment’s inability to provide support during this challenging time, go to your doctor and request a note for time off. Try to speak to HR to see if they can step in and speak to management on your behalf. 

Take the Time and Space That You Need to Heal 

Just because society doesn’t understand your sadness doesn’t mean it’s not real. Prioritize your self-care.  

Tying It All Together

Give yourself time to just be sad. Stay close to the people in your life that “get it” and don’t be afraid to hit the pause button on anyone who chooses to dismiss, minimize, or belittle the sadness you are feeling over the loss of your beloved pet. Pet loss is devastating, and entertaining the dismissal of your feelings via Disenfranchised Grief will continue to keep you at arm's length from processing the deep sadness that, for so many, takes over. 

Take time off work. Call a trusted Friend or Family. Reach Out to The Parted Paw.

Disengage with anyone who Disenfranchises your Grief. By doing so, you will begin to heal, and your sadness will elevate to a peaceful, loving memory of your beloved pet that has passed away.